good god get a grip girl

[ladymostkind]

the trouble with having a mood disorder is that i can never truly tell if the emotion im experiencing is because of an external reason (or as i would describe it as "a good reason") or if its a symptom of my illness (aka "a dumb one"). even when on medication, im never sure. i remember what it was like without it - long periods of depression, bouts of irritation and anger, fast energy, fast spending, restlessness. but ive been on this medication for about a year now and whenever i find myself anger for the day or if i feel like crying, i find myself wondering if my medication isnt working anymore. even when i know there was something awful or something that sucked that day.

the most recent occurrence was the hate crime jussie smollett experienced. i was mad the whole day when i learned about it but i wasnt sure if the level of my anger was legitimate or not, since it interfered with my focus and work.

a couple of weeks ago i was diagnosed with adhd and then prescribed medication for it. because of my mood disorder, my psychiatrist expressed some concern with me taking it. people with mood disorders, specifically bipolar disorder like me, can be knocked into a manic state because of the medication. so she put me at the lowest dosage and we'll be meeting up in about a month to talk about how things have been going.

but i have quite a lot of external stresses, like work (my duties AND coworker related) and now ive enrolled myself into an online grad program in the fall. so whenever im feeling like i want to cry, like right now, i dont know whether its because of that stress or its because of the medication im taking.

psychology really is as much of an art as it is a science.

Comments

[izzet_bedtime_yet]

As a fellow bipolar person, I know those feelings. My deepest sympathies.

[ladymostkind]

❤️thank you

[vanitashaze]

As yet another fellow bipolar with ADHD — man, I feel this. I’m lucky in that lamictal basically eliminates my hypomanic/mixed hypomanic episodes (which I’m happy about because they SUCKED) but didn’t do much for my depressive episodes. I’m on a new medication now too, and I can’t tell whether the bouts of feeling awful I’m still getting are because it’s not working or real external factors in my life that are causing a lot of stress (capitalism), and it’s this endless cycle of “can I trust myself? Yes? No? Yes? No?” I think that ultimately there isn’t a very good way to tell what’s what other than trying to make changes in your life and seeing what helps, which sucks because I want an answer, damn it! So yeah. I’m so here for this (and so sorry that you’re going through it).

[ladymostkind]

i'm on lamictal too! it helped a lot with my depression and my hypomanic state but recently i hadnt been too sure. i talked to my psychiatrist about it and she thought it would be best to increase my dosage a bit to see if it helps. so far, it seems to be working. i talked to my therapist about it as well and she figured that i was putting too much stress on myself and beating myself up for not meeting my high expectations.

i hope your new medication balances itself out soon! maybe you a higher dosage could be a fix? it's all a guessing game i'm finding. both on guessing the right meds and the right dosage AND figuring out if the emotions happening are emotions that "normal" people get or if it's your brain betraying you.

[vanitashaze]

There’s a strong possibility I might just be cyclothymic — this might just be the depression talking, but I can’t even remember a time other than during the hypomanic episodes where I felt “good” — but once I get in to see my psychiatrist I’m going to talk to him about going up on the rexulti (new stuff) and tapering down on the lamictal (since I think I’m on a higher dose than I actually need to be). I get psychiatry services through my county’s social services so that might be a while, lol — he’s great but so hard to schedule an appointment with. It’s difficult when you don’t really have a “good” baseline, you know? Like, I don’t even know what’s normal for other people and what’s normal for me and if there’s a difference. But my therapist has me trying ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) for OCD and I’m trying to apply it to my mood stuff and physical health as well.

[ladymostkind]

yeah mood disorders are a trip. its so difficult to know what exactly is a healthy mood at times. sucks that you gotta wait to see him again but when you do see him, hoping he can help with finding a balance between the medications that'll help.

never heard of ACT but sounds like it could be really helpful. my therapist has a self-esteem class that i'm trying to enroll in and see how that goes.